Angelic Heel once again…

The road to Wrestlemania never looked so bleak as it does now for all those loyal members of the WWE Universe that have proudly Bought In. Pittsburgh, PA was the scene of one of the most brutal unjustified beatings I have witnessed. RAW came to us live from the Steel City and was filled with its typical hard hitting action and more Intercontinental Championship shenanigans, but it was all darkened by the actions of one man, Randy Orton. Want to know what happened?


Randy Orton Is Welcomed Home

 The evening began beautifully. The members of the Authority (not including Stephanie and Triple H) led by the living breathing future of the WWE, Seth Rollins came down to the ring, smiles on their faces. Seth graciously introduced Randy Orton, who joined them in the ring, and welcomed the Viper back into the Authority family, officially. Each member of the Authority took a moment to say a few worlds welcoming back Orton, however when it got to J & J Security, they had less than heart warming words of welcome for RKO.

When It was Randy’s turn to address his family, he tore down and verbally eviscerated each man in the ring. His most scathing comments saved for the Savior of the WWE. He spelled out exactly what he planned to do to Rollins, to his face, but then played it off as a joke and that his family should lighten up (if only they had seen that I saw *cant fool me Randy! I was with Jamie and Joey! NEVER TRUST A VIPER!*) Poor innocent Seth, took Orton at his word and laughed off the joke. Mr. Money in the Bank then assured the WWE Universe that the reunited force of himself and Randy Orton, would dismantle and destroy Roman Reigns in their 2 on 1 handicap match.



Daniel Bryan Vs Bad News Barrett

Winner: Daniel Bryan

This match, as would be predicted considering the two different styles was good. Daniel Bryan controlled Barrett in the early goings using his knowledge of mat wrestling. He forced Bad News to power out of submission holds, and use his size and strength advantage to take over offensive momentum from the farm animal. even a huge superplex was not enough to keep the leader of the Yes movement down as he would kick out at two further frustrating the champion.  But again the resiliency of the hairy troll won out as he attempted a quick pin for a two count on the Intercontinental champion and then used his new found energy to hit Wade with a running knee to pick up the win. The celebration of victory would be short lived as BNB hit D-Bry with the Bull Hammer elbow, putting the former World Heavy Weight Champion on the mat seeing stars.   As Barrett reveled in his getting one over goat boy, Dean Ambrose would waste no time as he ran down, knocked Wade on his ass and entered the ring as he was set to have a match next!



Stardust vs Dean Ambrose

Winner: Dean Ambrose

The next chapter in the Intercontinental Championship fun escalated quickly as the current holder of the physical title, Stardust, battled the Lunatic Fringe in singles competition. It was a back and forth match that saw the wrestler formerly known as Cody go toe to toe with Dean Ambrose. Both men were relentless in their brutal attacks on one another with Stardust focusing on the knee that Ambrose injured in his feud with Bray Wyatt. But Dean has never been one to let a little thing like pain and agony get in his way of beating another’s ass as he too perceviered and was able to take control of the match and hit Stardust with a Dirty Deeds to pick up the victory.

But the end of the match was just the beginning of the insanity as again the title began to be fought over between the contenders of the Ladder Match at Wrestlemania. R-Truth (who had been doing commentary for this match and the previous one) super stealthed his way over to the ring and snatched the title while Luke Harper, Dolph Ziggler, Dean Ambrose, Daniel Bryan, Stardust, and BNB were all fighting amongst themselves. BNB came out on top and then demanded that Truth fork over the title. Truth handed him a burlap sack that in theory, contained the title and Barrett began his escape through the crowd with his prize.  Truth then bee lined it up the ramp and when Barrett figured out that the title in his sack was a fake, it was too late. R-Truth celebrated with his ill gotten title belt before heading off into the back.

Loving this fun with the IC Title. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, these shinanigans with the title are making it feel more sought after than it has been in ages. So many people coming after it at once gives it a priority and a feel of it being more than just a decoration on some ones person. Any one of the men in the ladder match would make a great IC Champion. Some people are complaining that D-Bry should be in the other title hunt. Why? Just because it’s not main event doesn’t mean that it is a step down. Not everyone can be in the main event. IWC quit bitching and just enjoy the product. Your darling farm animal is still relevant and his addition to this ladder match will only make it all the better. Think of all the men involved in the IC title hunt. How can it be anything but spectacular. Hell I still think it should be the main event. It’s the match I most want to see. Or it would be if Paul Heyman would stop giving me koolaid to drink >.>



Paul Heyman Speaks

 Ladies and Gentlemen, it is Paul Heyman! AND the WWE’s World Heavy Weight Champion, BROCK LESNAR!! The Beast Incarnate looked intimidating as ever as his advocate again promised the WWE Universe that Brock would hold on to the title as long as he wanted to. That Lesnar would always do what he wanted to and if that meant unifying the WWE title and the UFC title, then that is exactly what the Beast would do. The title no longer belonged to the WWE, it was now BROCK Lesnar’s title!

Paul also addressed the so called threat of Roman Reigns. He dismissed the Samoan Superman as much of a threat and revealed to the WWE Universe just what kinda family the powerhouse came from. He hinted that a loss to Lesnar would have Reigns disowned from his tight knit family. (that’s not very nice at all!) That even though Reigns’ desire to win was strong, it would not be enough and he would end up like his cousin the Rock, conqured and destroyed by the Beast Incarnate, BROCK LESNAR!

Love Paul Heyman. Love Brock Lesnar! As soon as I feel as if this match won’t hold a candle to the IC ladder match, Paul Heyman comes out and works his vocal magic! Yes Paul, I totaly believe that Brock will destroy Roman. (Sorry Roman but the koolaid is so sweet in Heyman’s corner) That and have you guys seen Brock? The combined forces of John Cena and Seth Rollins could not even put him down for long. Are we really to believe that Roman Reigns has what it takes to put down the Beast? I’m not taking anything away from Roman, I’m one of his biggest supporters, and I’d love to see him with the title, but he is not going to take it away from Lesnar. It is going to take some super insane tricks to get that belt off of the beast. And then you gotta think. IF Lesnar does lose the title. Home boy is entitled to a rematch… Yep that means who ever does end up with the title, still has to pin Lesnar again to ensure his reign as champion. Oh gods is that ever gonna suck for him!



Ryback and Erick Rowan vs Kane and Big Show

Winner: Ryback and Erick Rowan

This match was classic big man team vs big man team. Power moves a plenty and the occasional show of agility thatone doesn’t expect from big men. It began well enough for those dissenters. They looked strong but the team of the Big Show and Kane quickly took over and showed what it was like for those who would continue to fight the Authority. But communication has never been a strong suit for these two massive men and an accidental knock out punch to the Corporate Demon ended up costing our heros the match. The World’s largest Athlete and Kane continued to bicker in the ring. This forced Stephanie to come out and admonish the two large men. As punishment for their inability to work their issues out by themselves, she sent them home.

Okay, it was an okay match. Nothing to scream about, nothing spectacular. Just big men beating big men (and in another universe that would just be kinky) The big move here was Steph sending the Big Show and Kane packing… I can see how this is not best for business. No i’m not paranoid. Please for the love of the Wrestling Gods, Stephanie don’t you see what’s about to happen?? Don’t send the big men home!! (yes, that is what I was screaming at the tv, I was with J & J Security in my thoughts regarding Randy… Stupid Viper…)



Summer Rae vs AJ Lee

Winner: AJ Lee

 A quick Divas match that saw AJ Lee return to the ring. Why against Summer Rae? Cuz the Wrestling Gods like to torture me I guess. Summer got in some decent offense though and forced the former Diva’s champion to battle back against some submission holds. But because it was Summer, the match ended quickly as AJ locked in the Black Widow and Rae tapped like we all knew she would.

Not much to say other than Summer Rae was nommed by AJ, and AJ looked great. I suppose it was supposed to be Total Divas related considering a few of the cast members were ring side. Didn’t matter, AJ kicked ass and got the victory and we all go home happy. Right?



Rusev vs Curtis Axel

Winner: Rusev

 Curtis Axel challenged Rusev, Rusev accepted. LOLRusevWins. It was a squash match. The Axe-man did not stand a chance and if you blinked you missed the match. To celebrate his victory, the United States Champion took the microphone and began to inform the WWE Universe that Curtis Axel was like the rest of America, weak. He continued on this topic until the spot light whore himself, flew down to the ring and began a vicious assault on the champion. John Cena would end the beating by locking in the STF. Rusev passed out. Cena showed his true merciless side and splashed water on the US Champion to wake him up and then he locked in the move once again! Lana had no choice but to grant Cena a title match at Wrestlemania in order to get the leader of the Cenation and spokes person for the Anti-Bullying campaign to release the champion of the painful maneuver.

Way to go John Cena. Way to show what a spectacular role model you are to the young minds of the WWE Universe. You get told no about something you really really want? No problem! Go bully and viciously attack someone till you get what you want! *golf claps* I hope you feel really good abut yourself knowing you are nothing but a hypocrite John. Poor Lana earned the anger of her client in order to save him from you. I hope Rusev crushes you again you bullying spot light stealing has been!



Tyson Kidd and Cesaro vs The New Day

Winner: The New Day

 Hey everyone! It’s the New Day!! Oh… No one cares. Why are they facing Cesaro and Tyson Kidd? Cuz they are fighting champions dammit. And fight they did. It was Big E and Xavier Woods in action against the WWE’s Tag team champions. It was mostly back and forth ish with Woods taking the brunt of the punishment as Kidd and Cesaro worked on keeping the powerhouse of the New Day out of the match. Tyson and Cesaro continued to show great team work. However, the New Day picked up a huge win over the tag team champions due to a surprise roll up executed by Woods on the one half of the tag team champions.

I guess this puts the New day in contention for the titles? woo? The match itself was meh, A few cool moves from Tyson and Cesaro working together. I don’t feel the chemistry in the ring in Xavier Woods. he’s just dull to me. Nothing that sets him apart like Kofi Kingston has. Or Like Big E. Perhaps the day needs to dawn and someone needs to show Xavier that his place is not in the ring but he makes a good manager sorta.. Anyway just keep him out of the ring.



Naomi vs Natalya

Winner: Naomi

 Immediately after the Tyson and Cesaro’s match, Naomi (accompanied by Jimmy and Jey) is  set to go head to head with Natalya. The ladies waste little time in the lock up and just proceed to beat each other down. The two former Total Divas besties countered each other’s moves but Nattie looked like she would come out on top as she locked in the Sharpshooter. However, Tyson attempted to offer his wife advice and this distracted the Queen of Harts allowing Naomi to wriggle out of the submission. The win would go to Mrs. Uso as she hit Nattie with a Rear View to pick up the pin fall.

If you blinked, then you might have missed this match. It was quick, it was rushed, it had no real time to show case what these women can do. As a match itself… It suffered from being so short. Seriously, how is this giving Divas a chance? These are arguabley two of the best divas on the main roster and their talent is being wasted. Give the women time.



The Usos vs Los Matadores

Winner: Los Matadores

 And immediately after THAT match (anyone else feel like RAW has no sense of timing? Why so rushed?) Los Matadores came down to the ring to have a match with former tag team Champions, Jimmy and Jey Uso. It was a pretty standard match. Typical back and forth, trading offense, Uso’s flying about, the Matadores with the outfits that make my eyes bleed shout Ole! Nothing special. El Torito got knocked from the apron to the ground (he should have never been on the apron but it’s funny to see the little bull fly) Los Matadores picked up the win, and oh looky, I think they joined the land of the Heel. Fernando rolled Jimmy up, grabbed the tights and stole the win. Mui Bueno mi amigos!

It was fun to see the Heel ranks swell with the addition of the bull fighters. Being nice got them no where, I think it’s time they learn the tricks of my people and begin to come out on top. Ole!



Undertaker Accepts Bray Wyatt’s Challenge

 For weeks Bray Wyatt has been taunting the Undertaker to find him. At Fastlane, Wyatt challenged the Deadman to a match at Wrestlemania. The eater of worlds waited patiently for an answer and all he received was silence. That is until he brought the fabled urn down to the ring and demanded an answer from the Phenom. Again Silence. That is until the mystical urn was opened… Smoke billowed from the opening, the urn vanished and was replaced by Wyatt’s trade mark chair which was then struck by lightning and set ablaze! On the screen Bray Wyatt got his answer. He has the eyes of the Deadman upon him and now we will get to see who’s soul is blacker.

Bray Wyatt, Bray Wyatt, Bray Wyatt… What have you done? Some things should never be disturbed and left to lay where they are. You have awoken the true face of fear. It took the Beast Incarnate to break the streak, but that does not mean that the Phenom is weak. Brock Lesnar isn’t a mere mortal like you. The Undertaker is no mere mortal either. Be careful what you wish for, you have received it. Now at Wrestlemania, you will Rest In Peace.



Seth Rollins and Randy Orton vs Roman Reigns

2 on 1 Handicapped Match

Winner: Roman Reigns

Here it is. The match that was both looked forward to and dreaded at the same time. (I could feel what was about to happen.) The match itself began with Mr. money in the Bank, Seth Rollins facing off against former Shield business partner, Roman Reigns. Reigns dominated with his strength but Rollins held his own against the powerhouse and had him on the ropes. However, with the ref distracted and Randy not taking advantage of the situation (perfect moment for a cheap shot on the Big Dog) J & J Security got a bit upset that Orton wasn’t exactly being a team player and attempted to get in his face about his lack of action.

The Viper, never one to put up with someone in his face, knocked both Jamie and Joey to the ground. This brought Seth over who sent his security team to the back (NO!!! Seth, for the love of everything holy why?! *covers eyes with hands but peaks through* This is not going to be pretty). The match continued and Roman began to build momentum. This came to a halt when Seth Ninja kicked the Samoan Superman in his head and thus created the separation he needed to make the tag to Randy Orton. Or he would have made the tag if Randy hadn’t flipped him the double bird as he backed away from the tag. This confusion allowed Roman to Spear Seth into next week to pick up the win.

And this is when poor Seth’s night went from bad to… well there are no words to properly describe the injustice of what happened. Randy Orton showed his true colors and mercilessly destroyed Seth Rollins. This unjustified and brutal attack went into the crowd and consisted of countless chair shots, being slammed into steel stairs and camera men, Orton’s patented DDT onto the floor, and then last and perhaps the hardest to watch, an RKO through the announce table.  I watched horrified as the WWE Universe sadistically cried out for more despicable acts of cruelty to be perpetrated on to the savior of the WWE.

I am still traumatized watching my hero, Seth Rollins take a beating he did not deserve. Oh all you Viper lovers will say Seth started it with a couple little curb stomps that put Randy out for four months. Is it really Seth’s fault that Orton is so frail that two tiny little curb stomps put him out of action for that long? And to be fair, Randy started it. But Seth will be the one to finish it. He may be down now, but he is not out. He will be back stronger and his wrath will be swift and painful. Beware Randy, you have just unleashed a whole new level of hell upon yourself.


Angelic Heel

By Bryan Kluger

Former husky model, real-life Comic Book Guy, genre-bending screenwriter, nude filmmaker, hairy podcaster, pro-wrestling idiot-savant, who has a penchant for solving Rubik's Cubes and rolling candy cigarettes on unreleased bootlegs of Frank Zappa records.

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