Hi everyone, Bryan Here…

I’m not sure why Disney is hell-bent on remaking all of their classic animated films into live-action reboots, but that seems to be the case nowadays. With ‘Snow White and The Huntsman‘ to ‘Maleficent‘ and now with ‘Cinderella‘, Disney is banking on popular movie stars to re-energize their classic titles. The problem is that these are not any good. While there is probably a built in audience already and new generations are now getting to see these old tales, it might be financially viable to think about rebooting these franchises. But in order to do that, you must make something that is quality, which none of these are.

In fact, I thought Disney was the leader in re-releasing movies as they were over time. Why haven’t they just re-released the originals for the younger generations to see and enjoy instead of making terrible live-action films that people forget in less time it takes to make a peanut butter and chocolate cake sandwich. Cinderella is just as bad if not worse than the prior two films that came before it and I’ll tell you why. Before that unfortunate business, there were a couple of decent aspects to this film that was directed by Kenneth Branagh himself and written by Chris Weitz (the guy who directed the pie-fucker in ‘American Pie‘).

Besides the visual style of the film, which is gorgeous, colorful, and fun, and of course the immaculate costumes that went in to the final film (which will win some kind of award in the future, I’m sure), it’s the tone of the film that’s different here. If you saw ‘Maleficent‘ or ‘Snow White and the Huntsman‘, there was a darker and much sinister tone to those classic tales of Disney. It’s a trend nowadays that we see everywhere from the Marvel universe to the ‘Star Trek‘ films. Everything is in darkness or supposed to be brooding like an angry a hipster who found out too late that their Starbuck’s coffee has been sabotaged.

Branagh flipped the tone on its ear and pretty much stuck to the animated classic film’s tone with really no ounce of darkness or brooding to be seen. It was a nice treat. That being said, seeing the ‘Cinderella‘ story in live-action mode, made me think that there really was no interesting story in ‘Cinderella‘ to begin with. Literally nothing happens besides a young girl going to dance at some fancy house, leaving her clothes on the front lawn, and some dude returning those clothes, then marrying her. That really sums up the ‘Cinderella‘ story.

Sure, there is a stepmother and her two daughters who can be a trio of cunts to ‘Cinderella‘, but it’s nothing that that a few cheese-eating mice can’t take care of. It really is a boring-as-hell film, where I found myself trying to find anything decent about the movie. One of the better scenes in the classic animated film was when the fairy god mother came down upon Cinderella with her magic wand and turned normal household rodents and objects into fun things that were useful, like a giant fucking pumpkin car. Well, here in this live action version, Helena Bonham Carter (Tim Burton’s former beard and Johnny Depp look-a-like), played the fairy god mother. Carter completely ripped off Johnny Depp’s Willy Wonka character and input that into the fairy god mother. So instead of some hip grandma who grant wishes, we get a dimwitted angel like creature who got lost on the way to heaven with the IQ of a door knob. Just terrible. How could Kenneth Branagh, the fucking guy who made ‘Hamlet’ awesome allow something like this?

Then you have Lily James playing the iconic character who does a decent enough job, but is no where near memorable. And Richard Madden plays the prince, which just makes you fucking angry that he’s no longer in ‘Game of Thrones‘ anymore and probably owed someone a favor for this. The only real spotlight is solely for Cate Blanchett, who plays a great evil stepmother. Everything from her body language, emotions, and dialogue completely sells her character to a tee. I wanted to like this movie, but just couldn’t. If you find yourself looking to watch ‘Cinderella‘, just find the original classic cartoon and enjoy that version, because this live-action one is not worth the time or money.

1 out of 5 Stars

– Bryan Kluger