Angelic Heel Here…

Once again, the WWE rocked New Orleans, LA as it continued on the road to the Royal Rumble with another hard hitting episode of Monday Night RAW! This week, the benevolence of the Authority was in full swing as it granted opportunity after opportunity for  the WWE Superstars to flourish under the pressure of competition.  Who was able to demonstrate that they had the skills that were best for business and who failed to deliver? Let’s get these good times a roll’n and jump on in to this week’s installment of RAW!




The festivities of night began with spot light addict, John Cena, addressing the WWE Universe. He began to express his displaced anger at the Authority for firing Dolph Ziggler, Erick Rowan, and Ryback, (he should be angry at himself for turning his back on the men who trusted him with their careers,) and began show his immaturity be throwing insults at the people who keep the show from disintegrating into chaos. The former champion even attempted to enlist all of the misguided masses of the Cenation to take to social media, and spread his flawed way of thinking by insisting that they use #AuthoritySucks to show solidarity in their disagreement with how the Authority chooses to deal with mutineers.

Cena further showed his true colors as someone we can not rely on as he spelled out his Plan B (cuz plan A was sooo stellar.) The leader of the Cenation stated his intentions to win the World Heavy Weight Championship at the Royal Rumble in two weeks, and then take it home to sit on his good for nothing hind end, till the Authority reinstated the three men that he got fired (guess “never give up” turned into “sit on my ass”).

This forced WWE’s power couple, Triple H and Stephanie, to come out and address the face that thinks it runs the place. They told John that he had been warned of the consequences of what would happen to those who foolishly followed him, that they didn’t want to fire Ziggler, Rowan, or Ryback, but unlike John Cena, The Authority keeps their promises. They also admitted that they wanted to see the “Corpus Christi Three” reinstated as well. So the question now was, if the WWE Universe wanted them back, and the Authority wanted them back, how badly did John want them back? (I was so hoping it’d be a 3 for 1 deal, but Trips had other things planned) It was at this point the Authority graciously gave Cena the opportunity to be a hero, to redeem himself for betraying the men who trusted him. All he had to do was win his match, and pin the savior of the WWE, Seth Rollins in a Lumber Jack Match! If he was able to accomplish this, Ryback, Erick Rowan, and Dolph Ziggler would all have their jobs back.



Seth Rollins vs John Cena

Lumberjack Match

Stipulation: If John Cena wins, Erick Rowan, Ryback, & Dolph Ziggler get their jobs back

Winner: Seth Rollins via pinfall

This match was intense.  The ring was surrounded by superstars who understood what was best for business. It started with a bit of grappling but the living breathing undisputed future of the WWE, Seth Rollins, gained the upper hand and punished John Cena. One more than one occasion it looked as if Mr. Money in the Bank would put down the leader of the Cenation, but John proved harder to kill than a cockroach as he pulled on his super power and continued to kick out at two. Gotta hand it to the Lumberjacks, they knew what was on the line if Cena succeeded and felt the need to interject themselves on Rollins behalf. The match disintegrated into an all out brawl and it almost appeared as if Cena would come out on top, but Seth’s resilience and strength won out as he pinned John Cena snuffing out any hope of the WWE Universe seeing Erick Rowan, Ryback, or Dolph Ziggler in a WWE ring any time soon.

It was a great match. Ups and downs, near falls, and insane nonstop action through out. I’d send the Lumberjacks flowers if I could. Sure, some of y’all will say Seth wouldn’t have won without their help, but here’s the thing, he never ASKED for their help. They took it upon themselves to aid him. They understand that he is the future of the company that they work for. They understand what is best for business and that one simply can not have a bunch of disloyal individuals roaming around the locker room spreading untruths about the Authority.



The New Day vs Tyson Kidd & Cesaro

Winner: The New Day via pinfall

Kofi Kingston was fired up to say the least as he began this match. but the Team of Tyson Kidd and Cesaro grounded the high flier early on keeping him isolated in their corner. But quick thinking and a quick counter created the separation necessary to tag in his partner, Xavier Woods. The momentum fully on their side, the New Day members kept their opponents on the defensive and picked up the win over Cesaro and Tyson after a failed attempt to distract by Adam Rose.

Best part of the match was Cesaro swinging Kofi into drop kick delivered by Tyson Kidd. It was an okay match but nothing really to separate it as being amazing. It held my interest only in that it’s two new tag teams wrestling and I’m desperate for more tag teams in the tag division. Why Adam Rose and Natalya were ringside still a mystery, they aren’t needed. And there is just something about the New Day that bother’s me. I’m with JBL on this, no one is THAT positive with out some ulterior motive. Either that or they are all on drugs (Just sayin… >.> puff puff pass, I’m lookin at you Kofi!)


Luke Harper vs Roman Reigns

Winner:Roman Reigns via pinfall

 So, before we get to the match, Big Show (I swear the Wrestling Gods are testing me, I shall over come adversity!),  comes down and disses on Roman Reigns. Long story short, he doesn’t see the Samoan Superman as competition. Reigns, of course, answers this by coming down to confront the giant, who backs off up the ramp. We then get a story from Roman that was jack and the bean stalk, just with Roman playing the part of Jack, and it ended with him kicking the Giant’s teeth in. (is it me or did it sound like a bed time story Roman would have read to his little girl?) Not exactly what I was expecting, but hey, it was cute and it made me giggle. And it put a wee bit of entertainment in this rivalry that I’m praying for an end to for Roman’s sake.

On to the match! Yes, Big Show stayed ring side. *groan*

Luke Harper and Roman Reigns straight up began to slug the hell out of one another. But it wasn’t all punches and kicks, but countered moves and near falls. Harper was relentless in his assault on the former Shield member, but Roman would not give up and kept fighting. It looked as if Harper might pick up the win as he set Reigns up for his huge discus clothesline, but Roman countered with the Spear to pick up the win. Unfortunately, He wasn’t able to celebrate the victory, the 7ft giant stormed the ring with speed I Haven’t seen from him in any of his recent matches and laid the powerhouse out with a KO punch.

This was a decent match. Love seeing Harper in the ring. I love how sucha  big man can pull off the moves he does. Pair with Roman, this match was hard hitting and aggressive. Definitely some cringe worthy omg moments that made me glad I wasn’t either man. I almost felt bad for the steel steps when Roman crashed into them. That looked painful. Roman looked great too. Love seeing his progression as a singles competitor.Hell, I love seeing his progression, and this just proves that it is the Big Show bringing down anyone he’s n the ring with. Luke and Roman rocked the squared circle, Believe That!



Naomi vs Alicia Fox

Stipulation: Naomi Fought with one arm tied behind her back

Winner: Alicia Fox via pinfall

Naomi was requested to fight with one arm tied behind her back. Why? Because the Authority knows what’s best for business that’s why. She fought hard but was unable to over come the handicap and Alicia Fox picked up the win after a scissors kick.

Not even gonna spend much time on this. It was a disappointing showing of the Diva’s division. It was like a 3 steps back after the 1 step forward on Smackdown. Sad thing is, these women are capable of so much more than they gave on Raw.  It was messy and just over all not at all entertaining in the slightest. Sure there were moments of skill that impressed but they weren’t enough to save this match from being a dismal failure.



Jey Uso vs The Miz

Winner: The Miz via pinfall

Jey Uso, accompanied by his brother Jimmy, held the offensive momentum for most of the match and didn’t even let Mizdow throwing himself off the top rope onto the mat phase him. But a little heel tactics (thumb to the eye for those of you who aren’t familiar with the strategies of my people) after a bit of human tug-o-war, The Miz was able to pick up the win over one half of the Tag Team Champions.

This match was quick but relatively entertaining. Which was definitely needed after the crap storm of a Diva’s match we had to endure before it. Miz mocking the Uso’s dance in his victory was very funny and I probably laughed harder than I should have (and watched it more times than necessary to make a recap, but it’s the small things in life) There wasn’t much to the match that made it stand out, it was generic but it moved at a decent speed that kept me entertained. Match of the year candidate? Nope. Mindless dribble to keep me from watching college football and being bored? Yep.



Daniel Bryan Addresses the WWE Universe

 So they let the farm animal have the microphone again. Daniel Bryan decided that he would take a stroll down memory lane, seeing how we were in New Orleans, the scene of Yes-slemania, or the Miracle on Bourbon Street… What ever you want to call the troll winning the World Heavy Weight title. He stated that while he had stated he would be in the Royal Rumble, he was now proclaiming that he would WIN the Royal Rumble (please for the love of the Wrestling Gods, I will sacrifice a goat in a squared circle to see that not happen. I’ll invite Kane and make it a burnt offering)

Thank all that is sacred to the WWE Universe, Stephanie McMahon, put a stop to this out rageous bleating from Bryan. She reminded him of the fact that he was just a B+ player with A+ player aspirations. His body couldn’t handle the rigors of being champion, and while the WWE Universe might be behind him, it simply wasn’t enough to cut it where it mattered.

Doing what was best for business, Stephanie also announced that Daniel would be in in ring competition before the Royal Rumble. He would go one on one with the man that put him on the shelf for 8 months, Kane on Smackdown! This prompted the Director of Operations to come to the ring. In a fit of rabid goat rage, Daniel Bryan brutally attacked Kane unprovoked.  Referees worked to separate the two but Bryan would not relent in the unfounded attack. Finally, officials were able to break the two apart.



Brie Bella vs Paige

Winner: Brie Bella via pinfall

Oh Joy… Another Diva’s match based around Total Divas. This bout was blessfully over before I lost brain cells. Paige, who is a much better wrestler than Brie, had an off night and was dominated for most of the match, however Paige turned it around late and looked to make Brie her play thing. But, Brie Bella picked up the win thanks to the distraction from Tyson Kidd. Kidd received a slap from Paige for his interference.

This match was arguably better than Naomi’s match but I’m getting sick and tired of Total Diva’s BS creeping into the wrestling ring. Why oh why are they insulting our intelligence with this crap. I know all these ladies can wrestle (well… maybe not the Bella Twins,) and are capable of so much more than the crap they are doing. WWE, your main roster Divas could learn a thing or two from the NXT Women’s division, how hard is it to get your A listers on the same page as your developmental?

taThe Ascension vs Local Athletes

Winner: The Ascension via pinfall

 Ascension arrive. Ascension kill newblets. End of match.

Been there, done that. Not much else to say other than the most dominate team in NXT is destroying nameless teams. I love a good beat down as much as the next chick, but please for the love of everything sacred, Put the Ascension against teams worth of their talents.



Dean Ambrose vs Rusev

Winner: Rusev via Match Stoppage

Earlier in the evening, Stephanie McMahon, ordered Dean Ambrose to undergo psychological examination because she felt he was a danger to himself and those around him (guess the nick names, Unstable and Lunatic Fringe were a hint of some sort?) It started out all normal the shrink doing shrink things, but in the end Ambrose flipped the roles and ended up being the saner of the two (he’s always said he knew exactly what he’s doing) and got the Doc to sign off on the papers that allowed him to enter the Royal Rumble.

Rusev and Dean Ambrose never disappoint when they are in the ring, and put them in the ring together, well it was gold. The two battled all over the ring and it looked as if the Unstable one might actually be the one to break Rusev’s streak in the city that Brock Lesnar broke the Undertaker’s . But alas, it was not to be as the ruthless aggression of Rusev targeting the Lunatic Fringe’s injured knee that ended the match.  He didn’t end it there but continued to beat down Ambrose and stand tall over the beaten body of his latest victim.

This was a fun match. One of the better ones of the night actually. It was a shame that the Ref called the match, but at least Dean wasn’t pinned! Seemed a bit odd that Dean would be going after Rusev for no apparent reason. Maybe he misses his US Title?



Royal Rumble Championship Match Contract Signing

The Authority gathered all the participants of the Triple Threat main event for the World Heavy Weight Championship in the ring for a contract signing. Paul Heyman praised Rollins for his ability to guide John Cena into bringing back the Authority but was quick to mention that he was worried about an Authority double cross. Seth in turn, responded to Heyman in a beautiful way that shut Brock Lesnar’s advocate up and actually cause the Beast himself to speak on his own behalf to the future of the WWE. Brock stated that Seth would just be another in a line of people that he would conquer. And speaking of the conquered, John Cena decided that the spot light had to have him in it and he proclaimed that Lesnar owe Rollins a beat down, he owe Rollins a beat down, so together they would beat Rollins down and then he would beat Lesnar down (did he bother to ask Brock about this plan or does he just assume someone who can’t stand him will become his buddy? never give up I suppose. Cena logic never made sense to me.)

As is typical of contract signings, it started calm(ish) and escalated into an all out brawl. And who was left standing tall? Why the Savior of the WWE, Seth Rollins. After enduring insults from John Cena, and threats by the Beast incarnate himself, Mr. Money in the Bank proved why he is the undisputed living embodiment of the future.  Let no one ever doubt that Seth Rollins is the future champion, he is the A+ player that the Authority has been looking for who will be the face of the company.

By Bryan Kluger

Former husky model, real-life Comic Book Guy, genre-bending screenwriter, nude filmmaker, hairy podcaster, pro-wrestling idiot-savant, who has a penchant for solving Rubik's Cubes and rolling candy cigarettes on unreleased bootlegs of Frank Zappa records.

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