Angelic Heel Happily Reporting…

The WWE Universe was put well on it’s way to Extreme Rules (which can be seen on the WWE Network, Free for the month of April) as Raw tore its way through Austin, TX. With the excitement of a newly crowned WWE World Heavy Weight Champion in Seth Rollins, the question was, who would be the man to get the first title shot? A Triple Threat main event would answer that question. Who was it? Find out Now!




Seth Praises the Accomplishments of The Authority Family, Randy Orton crashes the Party

 The night begins with our beloved champion, Seth Rollins, followed by the loyal members of the Authority. The Austin crowd is none too pleased to see him as they refused to let him speak and began the ever popular “You Sold Out” chant (seriously people? are you still on this? He Bought In and it was a magnificent move considering that he is now WWE World Heavy Weight Champion less than a year after severing that business arrangement with Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns.)

Seth began by giving his well wishes to Triple H and Stephanie McMahon who would not be in attendance that night as they were on a well deserved vacation on a remote island in the south Pacific. The savior of the WWE went on to further praise his fellow Authority members on their Wrestlemania accomplishments, with Hunter putting the final nail in WCW and the Monday Night Wars by destroying Sting single handedly in their match, and The Big Show for cementing his dominance as the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal winner, and Kane… who…uh… showed up! Big Show thanked Rollins and then decided to praise the undisputed future of the WWE for his history making Money in the Bank cash in to beat Former Champion, Brock Lesnar and the Samoan Superman, Roman Reigns.

But not everyone was in a celebratory mood as the Viper, Randy Orton interrupted this moment of adulation to remind Seth that he had pinned him to win their match at Wrestlemania (and yes I lost that bet and you can see me sing Randy Orton’s theme here)  But Randy directed the majority of his verbal venom toward the Director of Operations, Kane. He put into question Kane’s power as the Director of Operations and as a result the Corporate Demon flexed his muscle by stating that the main event of the night would be a triple threat match between Randy Orton, Ryback, and Roman Reigns. But then he over steps his bounds by stating that the winner of that contest would go on to face the WWE World Heavy Weight Champion, Seth Rollins at Extreme Rules. But first, each of those men would be in singles competition and Randy’s match began next, and his opponent would be the Devil’s Favorite demon himself, Kane.



Randy Orton vs Kane

Winner: Randy Orton

Kane over powered Orton in the early goings but he was unable to assert his dominance fully as Randy battled back with an explosive drop kick that began the momentum shift. Randy further took it to Kane with hard hitting blows that left the big man reeling. The action spilled to the out side and Randy delivered a back drop onto the barricade. The Director of Operations however, answered this with a blow with a chair that ended the match in a disqualification win for Orton. Kane would then attempt to further punish Randy but the Viper proved to be a slippery snake as he countered a choke slam and attempted to deliver an RKO to Kane on the steel chair. The big red monster narrowly avoided the move and rolled out of the ring.

This was an average match. it did further the story but I feel like it could have been better. That isn’t to say it sucked but there is only so much we can really expect from Kane. Though, he does have some moments of brilliance in the ring still… though they are few and far between. Randy was good. I won’t say he was spectacular but he’s what kept me interested in the match. Hell at one point the voices in his head were talking so loud Kane heard them and rolled out of the ring. The two do work well together, but the match itself was kinda meh.



WWE World Heavy Weight Champion: Seth Rollins vs Neville

Winner: Seth Rollins

This match came about because Kane really did over step his bounds, but oh thank the Wrestling Gods that he did! Of course as champion, Seth was none too impressed by the newly called up Neville and advised the Man that Gravity Forgot to sit this match out. Neville’s response was to kick Rollins in the gut and the match began. Neville then began to pepper Seth with a flurry of fast kicks and blows and a high flying aerial attack that kept our beloved Champion on the defensive.

Seth quickly asserted his dominance as champion and grounded the rookie with a huge clothesline that spun Neville almost out of his pretty purple boots. Rollins followed it up with brutal knee strikes. But Neville proved his resilience as Rollins went for a turnbuckle power bomb that was Neville countered into a hurricanrana into the turnbuckle that had been meant for him. A kick to the head, and Rollins was in prime position to receive a Red Arrow. But over Zealous nature of J & J Security saved the undisputed future of the WWE from having to kick out and destroying Neville’s hopes and dreams.  The end came for Neville as he went for yet another hurricanrana but Seth stopped it by his shear strength and pulled Neville back up and powerbombed him into the turnbuckle and then curb stomped the elf man’s face into the mat for the 3 count. And of course, Seth had to punish Neville for his earlier disrespect and proceeded to curb stomp the former NXT champion a second time.

Oh I feel as if the Wrestling Gods do so love me! It’s almost like my birthday came early! This was one of my dream matches and it went beautifully. Both Seth and Neville are masters in the ring and to see them play off one another was like pure gold. I couldn’t look away. Neville lost, but he had a great showing against the champion in his second week on the main roster. And of course the future of the WWE once again established himself as the best on the planet earth and that Neville could not touch him or even be in his league. Oh it must be good to be the champ!



United States Champion: John Cena vs Stardust

Winner: John Cena

 Spot light whore-a-suarus rex came out again and once more spouted out his cheap pop patriotic rhetoric. Oh and then something about how he would defend his title against anyone in the locker room who felt the need to take him on. But as John Cena said, all he promised was an opportunity, that he was not going to just let someone take it from him. And who answered the call to opportunity? Why Stardust in all his cosmic glory!

Talk about a battle that rocked the cosmos. Stardust showed up ready to fight and on more than one occasion the WWE Universe almost had a new United States Champion. The performer formerly known as Cody Rhodes, hit Cena with everything he had, from a Disaster Kick to Dark Matter and more. But Cena would answer with power bombs and a delayed vertical suplex. But it was the champion’s combination of his springboard stunner into an Attitude Adjustment that allowed him to retain the title over the challenger.

This was a decent and fun match. I will give Cena credit (as I die a little inside but I have always given credit where it is due) he did a great job in the ring with Stardust. Many complain that Cena only has his five moves of doom (not me, I actually watch the matches), but it is nice to see him throw new moves into the mix. The springboard stunner is pretty cool. Stardust is always fun to watch. It has been an adventure of time and space to see him develop and come into his own and step out of Goldust’s shadow and become the NEW bizarre one.



Paige & Naomi vs The Bella Twins

Winner: Paige & Naomi

 Paige and Naomi took on the Bella twins in Diva’s tag team action. The twins kept Paige isolated from her corner for the first half of the match. Nikki and Brie used quick tags and team work to keep the two time Divas champion trapped on their side of the ring. The English Diva was eventually able to create some separation and tag in her partner. Once in, Naomi was on fire and took the fight to the twins. One Rear view to Nikki later and the victory went to Naomi and Paige.

This would be the second time that Naomi has pinned the champion. In a perfect world this would be a guaranteed number one contenders spot. But this is WWE and next week on RAW we get a Diva’s battle royal to determine who that lucky lady is. This match was better than most Diva’s matches. I’m really excited to see what else comes from this #GiveDivasAChance movement. So far, it has generated a few solid main roster Divas’ matches.



Ryback vs Luke Harper

Winner: Ryback

 This match was an all out slug fest. Two big men came together in a contest of who could out power who. Harper took control early and continued his beating of Ryback and looked to put him through the announce table much like he did Dean Ambrose. However, the Big Guy fought back and ended up putting the deranged swamp rat out of his misery with a Shell Shock to pick up the win shortly before he would be in the triple threat main event.

If you like hard hitting matches this one is for you. Luke Harper continued to impress as he showed off his devastatingly powerful offense and hhis agility as well. His clothesline rivals JBL’s in my opinion. Ryback… well he looked like Ryback. He has gotten better than the lumbering muscle bound meat head that I’ve complained about, but it didn’t feel as if he was giving this match 100%. Perhaps he wasn’t? He did have another match scheduled. But still, that’s no reason to let this one suffer is it?



The Lucha Dragons vs the New Day

Winner: The Lucha Dragons

This match was just a bit of fun to watch. The New Day seem a bit frustrated that the fans think the suck so they decided to take their frustration out on the Lucha Dragons. Poor Sin Cara caught the brunt of the punishment from Big E and Xavier Woods, but as soon as Kalisto was tagged in, the tides changed and the New Day members were clearly out of their depth against the small unpredictable high flyer. Not even a cheap shot from Kofi Kingston could grant the New Day a Win as Kalisto his his salida del sol on Woods to take him out and then soared onto Kofi to remove him from the equation as well. This allowed Sin Cara to hit a swanton on Big E to pick up the win.

A new day has dawned and it appears the New Day is headed for a turn into my territory. They were more aggressive and resorted to the tactics of my people (Heels in case it wasn’t blindingly obvious where I was going with that) to try and get the win. Of course, the New Day Sucks so… it didn’t quite work out for them. It’s new territory for them after all and not everyone takes to it in as spectacular a fashion as others. But I do look forward to seeing if they can cut it on this side of the tracks. The Lucha dragons are taking to the main roster like fish to water. They are making everything so exciting in the ring. I’m kinda high on Kalisto right now. The man is a marvel in the ring with the things he is able to do. My fav move that he does is easily the springboard corkscrew cross body. It is the epitome of beauty in a high flying move.



Roman Reigns vs The Big Show

Winner: Roman Reigns

 Next up and last of the triple threat competitors, Roman Reigns. He took on the Big Show before the main event. Big Show dominated this match with his size and strength from the on set of the bell. Big man even hit a spear of his own. Didn’t put Roman out, but it was impressive none the less. Though the WWE Universe new things were about to go from bad to worse when Roman started smiling at the Big Show during the cousre of this physical beat down. It was at that point the Samoan Superman turned it on and took it to the Giant. Three superman punches and a spear later and Roman was standing victorious over his foe.

When it came on that Reigns was facing the Big Show, I’m pretty sure there was a collective groan from the WWE Universe. But to give both men in the ring a bit of credit, this match did not suck. It would be nice to see Roman not get his ass beat from corner to corner, but to actually seem like a contender. Seems his MO is much like Cena’s (ad that pains me to say, believe that >.>) Get ass beat. Come back. Win. I love Roman, and it was funny to see him smile up at the Big show and then beat some big ass. Can that be a thing now? Kinda a cue of, “holy crap Roman is smiling, business is about to pick up!” Who knew Roman Reigns was a masochist?



Sheamus vs Mark Henry

Winner: Sheamus

Once again Sheamus spoke about his disdain for the WWE’s vertically challenged superstars. But one man was tired of all the talk from the Celtic Warrior. Mark Henry, who is anything but a “little man.” Sheamus looked a little taken aback at first by his challenger, but he quickly proved that he was the Sheamus of old as he began an all out brawl with the World’s Strongest man. Henry showed his power as he tossed Sheamus around as if he weighed nothing, but the Irishmen fought back and won the fight with a massive Brough Kick.

If anything this match showed the WWE Universe that Sheamus has no problem taking out the bigger guys as well as the smaller guys. Who ever steps into the ring with the albino rooster, is in for a fight and will most likely get their teeth kicked in. Mark Henry for his part was okay I guess. I’ve never been a fan of his style or him for that matter. He just lacks that spark that holds my interest and watch one of his matches is akin to watching paint dry.



The Miz vs Damien Mizdow

Winner: The Miz

 This is the match that many of the WWE Universe has been waiting for. After a good strong build up to this crescendo, Damien Mizdow finally faced off against his mentor, The Miz. All it did was wet our appetite for more as Mizdow, while aggressive and impressive in his attacks on the Miz, was unable to score the victory. The Miz showed that it will be more difficult and take a bit more cunning to defeat him as he rolled Mizdow up in a pin and held the tights for the three count.

This match, as stated above, only made us want more. The genius tactics of get a win no matter what will make the WWE Universe sympathize with Mizdow and they will want to see him destroy the Hollywood A lister even more. I do so love how this story is going as it is, in my opinion, one of the most compelling and engaging stories on WWE television. I love how Damien has finally received the love from the fans that he deserves. (shhh you guys, i may be a heel girl, and Damien may be a face, but he was a heel when my love for him began). I am enjoying the tricks that Miz will go to to show his former stunt double his place and how Mizdow has embraced his spot light. Well done guys, can’t wait to see how this continues.



Randy Orton vs Ryback vs Roman Reigns

Triple Threat Match

Winner Faces WWE World Heavy Weight Champion Seth Rollins at Extreme Rules

Winner: Randy Orton

Randy Orton did not let the likes of Ryback nor Roman Reigns stop him from earning his spot as the #1 contender to Seth Rollins’ WWE World Heavy Weight championship. The Viper took part in a triple threat match that saw all three men attempt to dismantle each other enough in order to score the pinfall.  Not one man held advantage for long before one of his other opponents was on him to end the momentum that he had built. Randy showed his aggression and drive early, but was stopped by a superman punch. Roman ate a shellshock but Randy was back up and on the Big Guy before he could capitalize on the move.

It wasn’t long till our beloved champion and the rest of the Authority came down to get a closer look at the potential challengers. Reigns let his temper get the best of him as he flew over the top rope and brought down the entire group. His reward was not Seth Rollins, but a KO punch from the Big Show that took him out for the rest of the match. As Rollins laughed at Roman’s misfortune, Orton took a hold and attempted to punish the Savior of the WWE, for what? We just assume it’s Randy being Randy again. But J & J Security came to the Undisputed Future’s aid and Seth escaped unharmed. That however can not be said for Joey or Jaime who both were dispatched by Ryback. Orton, ever the master of opportunity, landed an RKO out of no where on Ryback to pick up the win and the number one contendership to face Seth at Extreme Rules. But Randy’s night was not over as our valiant Authority flooded the ring and the end result was our wonderfully amazing and deserving champion curb stomped the Viper into oblivion as a reward for earning his title match.

This match was a lot of fun. I was a bit confused as to why Ryback was in it, not sure what he has done that merits a shot at the number one contenders spot but hey, it was an interesting addition to the match so I’m not complaining. Roman getting edged out of the title picture was something I can live with even though I would love to see him and Seth really have a chance to feud all proper like. I feel that they would be on par with what happened between Seth and Dean. Speaking of that, and totally on a tangent, how cool would that be to see all three of the Shield boys going at it for the title? I know I know, people are still crying for a reunion, but I say let them fight! The Lunatic Fringe vs the Powerhouse vs the Architect! Yeah!! Ok.. now that I’ve gone off my rocker… Randy as number one contender will be a fun match at Extreme Rules. He won’t win because, well Seth will beat his ass of course, but it will still be a fun match if what they did at Wrestlemania is anyhint. Only it will end wth Seth Rollins retaining. Believe That!



Angelic Heel

By Bryan Kluger

Former husky model, real-life Comic Book Guy, genre-bending screenwriter, nude filmmaker, hairy podcaster, pro-wrestling idiot-savant, who has a penchant for solving Rubik's Cubes and rolling candy cigarettes on unreleased bootlegs of Frank Zappa records.

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