Paul N., Here…


Like Bill Murray once said, “he’s got to be stopped. And I have to stop him.” You might have thought he was talking about a weather-predicting rodent, but no, he was actually talking about studio executives (the “he” is collective). Hollywood, like any business, is in it to make money. Therefore, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that they choose to rehash tried and true film formulas over and over again rather than take a chance on something new. While this is understandable (albeit infuriating), it doesn’t excuse the idea that EVERYTHING deserves to be re-made. Some films, like priceless art, should never be re-made and re-sold. Every time a classic film gets re-made, audiences hold their collective breaths and hope that it won’t be a straight shot in “the feels” (that nostalgic part of your brain that remembers, with fondness, all your pop culture favorites).

Michael “explosion” Bay is releasing his latest bastardization of 80’s culture unto the world in the shape of the beloved “heroes in a half shell”. In case you haven’t been following, this has been one cluster mess after another. From alien origins to white-washed villains, this movie begs the questions: “does Michael Bay hate the 80’s? Did he have some traumatically horrific experience with toys when he was a kid? Why does he have to take a giant dump on our collective fond memories time after time?” 


10. Waterworld: First on this list is a film that was so epic in its failure, you had to wonder why everyone involved wasn’t simply run out of town. What do you call people who saw one of the biggest box-office failures of all time and said (with a straight face) “I wanna do that!”? Typically, a movie gets the reboot treatment when it’s either popular or successful. This film was neither. So what gives? It’s literally about a human/fish mutant who drinks his own pee and travels the globe looking for land. How this idea could warrant not one, but now two movies, is a much bigger question than “where is dry land?” It has since become something of a cult favorite, but the huge budget/profit differential should dissuade anyone from attempting to repeat this flop.

½ “punch to the feels” out of 5


9. Cliffhanger: Did you see the original? Do you even have any idea what that is? If you answered no to either question then you understand why this remake is a complete head-scratching waste of time. If it wasn’t for John Lithgow’s chilling performance as the villain (and the name recognition of Stallone), no one would have known the original movie even existed. Granted, it did showcase an intense opening sequence that nearly salvaged the rest of the film. The problem here is this attempt to revitalize an action film from an action great. If you’re going to do that, you need a current action star with equal star power. Though, the talents of The Rock or Vin Diesel would likely be wasted on something like this. If you’re really going to try and remake an early 90’s action flick from one of the genre’s greats, why not shoot for the moon and try your hand at Rocky or Rambo? On second thought, please don’t.

½ “punch to the feels” out of 5


8. Left Behind: Granted, the Left Behind series wasn’t Citizen Kane (or anything close to it), but is Nicolas “NOT THE BEES” Cage really the answer to reviving Kirk Cameron’s “opus”? This is an idea that should have been left behind (sorry, couldn’t resist). That said, the fan base is actually still there. The Left Behind novels were hugely popular, and TV shows like The 4400 and The Leftovers prove that there is still quite a bit of interest in plots involving mass vanishings. This suggests the idea of a reboot is not a complete catastrophe. At the helm is relatively untested director, Vic Armstrong, who is more known for his stunt work in films than anything else. Because, you know, Left Behind is so stunt heavy. That’s kind of like hiring a martial arts expert to direct a remake of Passion of the Christ…wait, no, scratch that. Better not give Hollywood that idea.

1 “punch to the feels” out of 5


7. Overboard:  here’s a movie that shouldn’t be re-made; not because it’s some timeless classic, but because the content just wouldn’t work in today’s culture. Picture a movie where the main character lies to a (temporarily) mentally handicapped woman in order to make her his own personal slave. That concept may have appealed to audiences back in the 80s, but chances are you just squirmed a bit in your seat when you read that synopsis. Case-in-point. Then again, Fifty Shades of Grey is a thing, so maybe it isn’t as far-fetched as it seems. “Jenny from the block” is in line to fill the shoes of Goldie Hawn, which does lend a bit of credibility to the snobby heiress, so there’s that.

1 “punch to the feels” out of 5


6. Starship Troopers:  there are two types of people who like this film: those who like to laugh at stupidly excessive cheese, and those who recognize satire. Either way, it’s very likely that this reboot will miss the magic that made the original such a hit. Like Psycho, even if you remake it shot-for-shot, you still won’t be able to capture the same essence. More than likely, this film will try to make a serious big-budget rendition and thus completely miss the point of the original. In fact, writer Zach Stentz (X-Men Fist Class), has confirmed that they are attempting to give it a serious WWII vibe, confirming that the satirical point has likely been completely overlooked. The book that both are based on is more of a philosophical look at war in general, and through interviews, Stentz recognizes that. However, he has expressed interest in visualizing the philosophy on screen which is a cautious undertaking at best. Though, given his past work, it is fair to give him a wait-and-see approach.

2 “punches to the feels” out of 5


5. Top Gun 2: Okay, so this film is being hailed as a sequel rather than a reboot. But call it what it is. Including this film may be cheating a little with the concept of this list, but that doesn’t change the fact that Hollywood is simply trying to bring the idea of Top Gun to a new generation. The idea is to take the concept of Top Gun and give it a modern makeover (terrorists, not commies). So far, the concept revolves around Maverick having to prove that technology can’t replace a talented pilot. Of course computers can’t replace Maverick! Do you have any idea how hard it would be to program a computer to have random panic attacks during dogfights? Besides, this is the same basic plot of Stealth. Remember that one? Remember how great it was, and how much money it made? Oh, wait… Goose is dead, alright? And no amount of homoerotic volleyball montages are going to bring him back.

2 “punches to the feels” out of 5

Stephen King's It

4. It: Stephen King movies are rather hit-or-miss. For every Shawshank Redemption, there is a Christine. Still, when was the last time a horror movie was made better with an update (hint: it isn’t often)? Sure, there was the surprising Evil Dead, but then again there was the Halloween movies and Freddy vs Jason. So, you be the judge. If you ask the current generation what scarred them for life, you’ll likely get some personal life story (or maybe something about the Kardashians). If you ask older people what scarred them for life, you’ll get one of two answers: Jaws or It. Tim Curry is a national treasure. Like Gary Oldman or Leonardo DiCaprio, he is able to steal the scene of any film. His performance as Pennywise was so chilling that thousands of people still pee themselves at the sight of a clown. No one else could possibly fill those size 34 clown shoes.

3 “punches to the feels” out of 5


3. Highlander: There can be only one! Or, in this case, there should be only one! Any movie that gets the Ricky Bobby seal of approval as “the greatest movie ever made” will most assuredly be hurt more than helped by a reboot. Luckily, this one seems to be stuck in production limbo. That said, this film might also deserve a wait-and-see approach considering that the screenplay is being written by the team of Matt Halloway and Art Marcum (Iron Man). Then again, they did write the screenplay for Punisher: Warzone, so there is that. When you really get down to it, this movie is a perfect example of a whole being greater than its parts. The acting, directing, choreography, and editing were all pretty sub-par. Yet, there is just something about how they all come together that really does make this a fun movie. The bigger question is who could possibly fill the shoes of Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery? Also, how can you possibly top a soundtrack by Queen?

4 “punches to the feels” out of 5


2. The Crow: There have been enough D-grade sequels to The Crow, (each unfathomably worse than the last) to let producers realize it’s a franchise that should stay dead (unlike its protagonist). Yet, here they go again. Brandon Lee gave a stellar final performance in the fan-favorite original. Is it really necessary to spit on his grave by trying to tell the masses it needs to be re-done? Like Highlander, this film is really not all that great when you consider the different components individually. Yet, they come together quite well to create a comic book film that truly comes to life in a way few others have. At least the new screenplay appears to be in good hands with writer Cliff Dorfman (Warrior, Entourage). Still, beyond trying to find someone able to fill the lead of Lee, this film will have to contend with producing an appropriate atmosphere that adequately captures the dreary darkness found in the story. The original did this so beautifully it is hard to imagine another doing so.

4 “punches to the feels” out of 5


1. The Naked Gun: Yes, you read that right. Nothing is sacred in Hollywood. Whoever even suggested this remake should be ashamed of themselves! Viewers should feel bad for whatever hapless dope tries to fill the comedic shoes of the late Leslie Nielson. It looks like that dope is none other than Ed Helms. He’s not a bad actor. He’s actually quite funny, but he’s no Leslie Nielson. This kind of role takes an actor with perfect comedic timing and the ability to play the ultimate “straight man” in a slapstick. He has to be able to stay focused and straight-faced amidst all the lunacy around him. Funny or not, Helms does not have that quality. If they just had to spit on Nielson’s grave, they would have been better off with someone like Bryan Cranston.

5 “punches to the feels” out of 5

DIS-Honorable Mentions: Annie, The Transporter, Flight of the Navigator

By Bryan Kluger

Former husky model, real-life Comic Book Guy, genre-bending screenwriter, nude filmmaker, hairy podcaster, pro-wrestling idiot-savant, who has a penchant for solving Rubik's Cubes and rolling candy cigarettes on unreleased bootlegs of Frank Zappa records.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *