Feb/2019

Holiday Movie Round-Up 2018!

by Gumbercules9000 on Dec 27th, 2018

Holmes & Watson

 

First movie I have walked out of by choice in years. What a steaming pile of crap. I knew it was bad going in, considering they didn’t even try to promote it in any way, shape, or form. There was only one trailer I’m aware of and the same TV spot played occasionally during sporting events. When a studio has a comedy they believe will be successful coming out on Christmas they promote the hell out of it. I wish they buried this one even deeper than they did. I didn’t walk out to make some high brow “cool guy” statement.

I walked out because 30 minutes in I realized I have another hour of this dead on arrival SNL skit to sit through and didn’t want to waste my time at further. That is all this is, a bad SNL skit that apparently goes on for 90 minutes. I’m sure I would’ve mildly chuckled if I caught it on YouTube Sunday morning after it aired on SNL the night before but that’s because I would have only suffered 4 minutes of forced jokes. 90 minutes was too much for me.

 

Aquaman

 

Aquaman is directed by James Wan who directed The Conjuring movies and Furious 7. As a director he has no issue going all in on something. This movie simply doesn’t give a shit what you think. We get a 15 minute exposition on how Aquaman was born. Later we get flashbacks to ancient Atlantis and the mythology. Want some training montages of young Aquaman? This movie has several sprinkled in. Are you a fan of global superstar Pitbull and his terrible new song that samples ‘Africa’ by Toto? Great!

This movie has a 45 second music video (essentially) set to that song out of nowhere. Do you enjoy cramming all romantic interest being established in Sicily while Amber Heard eats flowers? We have that too. Did you enjoy Moana and wonder what happened to the crab that sang ‘Shiny’? Have no fear he smashes a bunch of sharks and stuff at the end of this movie. Finally, did you want to see Aquaman and Patrick Wilson ride sea creatures and joust with tridents? Trust me there is plenty of that.

 

I know it sounds like I am ripping the movie but it really was a spectacle. It had no coherent tone, theme, or (at times) story. It felt like part National Treasure movie, a touch of Black Panther underwater, and a little King Arthur. It was all over the place. Still, I didn’t HATE it. I have no desire to ever see it again but Jason Momoa was fine and the visuals were pretty damn cool.

Mary Poppins Returns

 

The Banks children are about to lose their home because Jonathan took out a loan on the home after his wife died, leaving him a widower with 3 young kids. Come on Disney can we cut out the dead parents from at least one property. The story is the lightest outline to service a runtime that allows Emily Blunt and Lin Manuel Miranda performs songs and that is where the movie excels.

 

Emily Blunt is incredible start to finish. I say this in all seriousness…she deserves a nomination for Best Actress. Her acting and singing were A+. I was a bit apprehensive going in to watch her do a Julie Andrews impression but she makes the character her own and has some fantastic musical numbers. Lin Manuel Miranda does a great job with his songs too.

I’m still one of the “Normies” that hasn’t turned on him and aside from his terrible British accent he worked here. I’m a sucker for musicals and this one was really fun for my entire family. I really believe in a few years some of the musical numbers in Mary Poppins Returns will be played around my house while the kids play almost as much as all the other Disney songs we play during playtime.

 

Final Verdict

Skip Holmes & Watson, See Aquaman if you’re bored or want to sleep with Jason Momoa, and take the family to Mary Poppins Returns. Also if you haven’t seen Into the Spider-verse you’re still making a huge mistake.

Written by: Dan Moran

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