The ancient Greeks warned us never to tempt the gods. The Hollywood gods, however, can be summoned by little more than a streaming contract, a few past-their-peak A-listers, and the seductive idea of “what if Indiana Jones evolved, but worse?” Thus arrives Fountain of Youth, Apple TV’s grand plunge into the tepid, overchlorinated waters of the action-adventure genre; where the only mystery more elusive than the titular fountain is why anyone agreed to make this movie.
Directed, allegedly, by Guy Ritchie, a man once known for injecting kinetic energy into the British gangster genre with Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, the film feels less like one of his rollicking capers and more like something assembled by Siri after reading the back of an Indiana Jones Blu-ray box set. The camera movements are so inert, so uninspired, one wonders if the cinematographer fell asleep halfway through and Siri finished that part too.
The plot, which I use here in the loosest, most legally ambiguous sense, centers on two estranged siblings: Luke, played by John Krasinski in a performance best described as “off-brand Ryan Reynolds during a NyQuil commercial,” and Charlotte, played by Natalie Portman, who seems to be mentally Zooming in from a better project. They reunite after years apart; after their father passed away, in a museum where they’re both dressed in matching corduroy, like members of a painfully dull indie band called “The Artifacts.”
Charlotte is a curator who gave up adventure to raise a child and nurse a failed marriage; Luke is a man-child who hunts artifacts but appears to have gotten lost on the way to a Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure reboot. They team up on a globe-trotting quest for the mythical Fountain of Youth, bankrolled by a dying billionaire played by Domhnall Gleeson in what might be the most sympathetic portrayal of a man praying for death to avoid the rest of this movie, even though his twist is seen from oceans away.
There are villains, of course; aren’t there always? The FBI is involved, as is a secret society whose sole job appears to be preventing the plot from making sense. And speaking of making sense, there’s also a cameo from Stanley Tucci as a Vatican elder, which lasts roughly 37 seconds and appears to have been filmed during his lunch break from something else, possibly a cooking show or a Conclave.
The script, penned by James Vanderbilt (of The Amazing Spider-Man and White House Down fame; make of that what you will), reads like a mad lib made by a twelve year old with a Temple of Doom fetish. We’re given scenes in dusty libraries, secret Egyptian lairs, and a dramatic moment where a sip from a sacred water source might cure you, or kill you. Unfortunately, no amount of elixir can save this script, which is so riddled with clichés it may qualify as a parody of itself.
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And then there’s the action. Or rather, the inaction. There’s a car chase; brief, perfunctory, seemingly powered by leftover Mission: Impossible footage; and a shootout that’s over before you can say “I think I’ve seen this before in The Mummy Returns.” The most exciting moment of the film might be when you realize your remote has a fast-forward button.
The chemistry between Portman and Krasinski is flatter than the Apple TV loading screen. Portman, who once faced down Darth Vader with more conviction, is on autopilot, perhaps calculating how many more streaming contracts she needs before she can go full-retirement overseas. Krasinski, charming when lounging behind a Dunder Mifflin desk, is here all flailing limbs and awkward line readings, like Indiana Jones if he’d majored in improv at a liberal arts college and dropped out.
By the end, Fountain of Youth doesn’t so much conclude as it politely dissolves, like a sugar-free lozenge in lukewarm water. Apple TV, for all its deep pockets and deeper desire to disrupt cinema, has somehow created a movie with the visual excitement of a desktop screensaver from 1995 and the narrative coherence of a botched PowerPoint from a non-profit organization.
There are worse ways to spend two hours; but most of them involve jury duty, amateur dental surgery, or watching this film again. In the end, Fountain of Youth may not deliver eternal life, but it will make you feel like you’ve lived forever. Or at least long enough to beg for the sweet release of the credits with no stinger.
Avoid unless you’re a diehard fan of aging archaeologists, lifeless dialogue, or free Apple merch.
