Nov/2014

‘My Name is Trouble’

Airdate 06/28/2011

As far as creepy show openers go, this one is tits. The 4Gs are watching an old movie in an empty theater when creepy hooded figure keeps popping up with flashes of light, talk of Jason’s urine and his involvement with Ian and all the while Hannah is crunch-a-munching so loud on popcorn it makes me laugh. Hooded figure appears and the girls scream then Aria or Hannah yells, “I can’t find my other shoe!” Who takes off their shoes in a movie theater? Spencer is babbling and we cut to that pregnant bitch, Melissa shaking her awake by knocking her off the sofa looking for her missing wedding ring. Her sausage fingers can’t contain the petite beauty of her blood diamonds.

 “See, we are not all hanging out. Emily is so not here. Therapy works.”

“See, we are not all hanging out. Emily is so not here. Therapy works.”

These are the facts:


  • Everyone’s exes are in Rosewood. Wren – Melissa’s ex-fiancé, Jackie – Ezra’s ex-fiancé. Tom – Ashley’s ex-husband.
  • Emily has a conscience and loves her mom.
  • Strangers abound in Jason’s house. WHILE HE IS OUTSIDE!
  • Allison actually has a soul.
  • Melissa is a lying, pregnant bitch without a soul.
  • Aria starts her pottery class at the college where Ezra and Jackie both teach – as does her dad, part-time. She and hunky boyfriend walk hand in hand in public and make a cute couple. He walks her to class and they share a kiss – in public without fear. Unknown to them, his ex sees the whole thing and you can start to see the flames and smoke swirl. Surprise to you Aria, Jenna is also in this class and seems to have found her passion and way. Aria gives herself a new moniker, Anita, so Jenna won’t find out. For once, I wish Aria would man up and be honest with Jenna for a bit. But no, later when Jenna needs help from Anita and opens up about her past (which I love) she asks her what she sees and to describe the light. Once she hears “Anita’s” voice she realizes it is Aria and flips.

    Ashley is slowly becoming part of Team Tom to support Hannah. He is trying, but I doubt his motives. After seeing her parents together and actually enjoying each other, Hannah deletes a text from Tom’s new girlfriend asking forgiveness.

    Toby is working for Jason helping him build his fence to keep the girls out or Ian in, either way I do not know. The best thing to come about is Jason telling Toby that he never believed he was Allison’s killer. He was only guilty of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Spencer shows up and Jason thinks it’s Melissa, planting the seed of suspicion that she has been coming over. Spencer begs Toby to leave and find another job. Jason takes out the trash and it tears open revealing bloody rags and gauze. Claims he cut himself.

    In a touching sister scene, Spencer asks Melissa to please stay in the house with her after all the shit that has gone down, she is understandably freaked out. Tears in her eyes, she asks Melissa to remember the time in grade school when she was being bullied and Melissa stood up to the girl. She said she always knew Melissa would have her back. Of course, bitchy says no and that she should not ask her to choose between her sister and her husband, Spencer, finds pregger’s ring and, stupidly, pawns it and buys Toby his truck so he can leave Jason’s and take a better job.

    In the first time since the series, Emily’s mom shows some emotion and opens up to her daughter telling her how hard it must have been for her to grow up afraid to tell her who she was inside. Emily tears up the fake letter from Danby and decides to move to Texas. Only later does the letter arrive in the mail and being read by Emily’s parents. Emily checks her trash for the remnants of the original letter to find a note from “A” in red sharpie, “You can’t play cat and mouse if the mouse moves to Texas. I need you here Em, congrats!”

    Hannah joins Lucas to help with yearbook layout and notices that he is noticing a new girl, Danielle. In her subtle ways and smirky grins, Hannah plants the seeds of interest and hopes that Lucas will take control of the blossoming romance. It is so refreshing that she is so multi-layered and can not only create love and romance but destroy it as well. Good on you!

    As the show wraps up, Toby tells Spencer he loves her and she loves him, too. Melissa sneaks out in the dark to meet with a stranger. The 4Gs follow and assume it is Ian, but to their surprise it is Wren, Melissa’s ex, and he gives her a brown paper bag. Could be “painkillers for Ian”, could be vitamins or it could be a meatball sub.  The final shot finds “A” at the Pawn Shop buying back Melissa’s ring.

    “Ahh, I love you. No I love you, more. No you don’t. Yes, I do. Get a room.”

    “Ahh, I love you. No I love you, more. No you don’t. Yes, I do. Get a room.”

    The Hastings family is perfectly summed up by one line from an Allison flashback, “Your family has the worst apples.”

    Things that me go, WTF mate?



  • What the hell is the Jason thing that Jenna and Garrett keep referring?
  • Did Ian kill Allison?
  • Is Wren the real father of bitchy’s spawn?
  • Why is Melissa such a lying bitch?


  • See You Next Tuesday where I bet none of my questions are answered. Harumph.

    - Sparky Shagwell

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